Motherhood moments I didn’t know I needed.

I can say that in the past I had never felt “maternal” as people say. Never intensely yearned for babies or fantasized about raising a family, as the other women around me did. I didn’t feel the pressure of coming into my late twenties and needing to feel “settled down” or looking ahead before the biological clock started its journey of transition into the ticking time-bomb (as people like to remind women).

Anyways, fast forward and here I am with my first son, completely immersed in the complexities of motherhood, with a heart overflowing with love and gratitude.
This tiny beautiful human who I really believe was sent to me by some sort of angel to heal my heart and show me the deeper layers of life.

I learn so much from him about myself each day; how I show up, how I resist and where the work still really needs to be done. It’s kinda funny, when I reflect on my journey so far and of the times I had a sense of “Ok, I’ve figured that part of myself out now and have overcome the things I don’t want anymore” - then boom, my son comes along and in the most loving way, shows me that triggers are indeed still there in some way and wounds can still be ever so tender.

Above all and since day one, he teaches me presence. True, intentional presence. As mundane as routine can get at times with motherhood (and life in general), the mind can drift so easily into a cascade of thinking and anticipating.
I change his nappy on the changing table and after a few moments of being caught in wild trails of thought of endless to-do lists, I look down and there he is staring back at me and smiling. I do a quick u-turn back to join him where I’m supposed to be….the present moment. I start to feel a bit silly for being so far away yet again but he reminds me that I’m still loveable even if I make mistakes.

He’s so fascinated by everything and so, I contemplate when child-like innocence and wonder begins to fade in life. When do we begin to hurry through life rather than stop and look at the trees or birds? When do we become so chameleon like just to blend in with our surroundings and others? Curious kids really turn us back into curious kids and it’s an aspect of motherhood I didn’t know I needed so much until it happened.

I am so greatly humbled by and eternally grateful for this journey as it unfolds.